Creative Writing Workshop: Critique

Something I liked

• Overall, it is a good and creative mystery fiction.
• was told in a second person p.o.v.
• i like how she describe the setting in detail for example "empty corridor in an old bungalow" and "worn out carpet"; it adds the mystery elements in the story.
• good story flow and easy to understand.

Something needs to improved

• some punctuation mistakes such as the use of commas.(sometimes too many commas used in a sentence)
• there are some minor grammatical error, for instance the phrase or sentence written in present tense but sometimes diverges to past tense.
• there are some uncomplete/confusing phrase (some words missing in the phrase which retort the meaning of the sentences)  like "promises Aleisha that he will the locksmith's help to open the door".

(C)AishahRamli2011.AllRightReserved.

Tutorial (Dialogue)

“I never want to see you again!” Sharlin said as she points her finger to Akim.Her eyes flaming with a burning anger.

“Why?” he asked and looks at her with confused eyes.He really did not know what is the reason of his friend became so mad at him.

“You broke your promise again and you know that I hate it when people did not keep their promises,” she said it in a stern tone.

“Did I promise something to you?” he asked her again like a clueless person.

“Argh! You are an idiot,” she said as she face palm herself.
“You supposed to pick me yesterday. It was raining heavily and I missed my class because of it!” she told as she looks at him with a disappointed expression.

"I am really sorry," he said, feeling guilty inside.He look at her and said,"It won't happened again. I promise."

She just shakes her head, thinking of how many times he had uttered the same sentence that he will not forget his promises again.

"Don't make a promise if you can't keep it" she said in a really low voice and walks away, leaving him feeling guilty in the middle of the wet pavement roads.

(C)AishahRamli2011.AllRightReserved.

Paragraphs (Character+Setting)

"WELCOME TO TAMAN KDC", I read the signboard aloud after my grandmother wake me up to inform that we already arrives to the new town that my family will be living from now on, Kota Belud. "Rina, help me to move our things into the house", said dad to me while lifting a big box out from the van. I just nodded and help him. After a while, I was trying to move my last baggage from bag from the van into the house. It was so heavy and I wonder what I put inside it because it feels like it was filled with a bunch of big bricks. I try to use all my strength to drag the baggage but I only manage to move it a little. I lean on the car and try to take a deep breath as I wiped the sweat from my forehead. I try to look for my father to ask for a hand but I stop myself as I saw him sleeping on the sofa in the living room; he must be tired because he was driving for ten hours today. ‘Don’t give up Sabrina! You can do it!’. I tried to encourage myself and suddenly I heard an unfamiliar voice offering to help behind me. As I turn to the owner of the unfamiliar voice, I can see a tall Chinese boy, maybe around my age grinning at me. I nod straight away because I know I cannot lift the baggage myself and he don’t look like a dangerous person to me. After he helped me, my grandmother offers him a drink as a token of appreciation for his help.

While enjoying the orange juice in the dining room, we chatted to know each other better. “My name is Aiden; 17 years old and I live in this neighborhood too, just in front of your house. What your name?” he started the conversation. “I’m Nur Sabrina and I’m 18 years old but I’m taking my SPM this year as a form 5 student”, I answered. I think he confused with my statement but he try not to show it on his face. “I was taking one year break from school before; that’s why I will study as a form 5 students at SMK. Mat Salleh this year. “I also study there! Well I guess we’ll be schoolmate”, he said with a big smile plastered on his face which make his small eyes to form a crescent-like shape. “Just to let you know, my mum is a teacher there. Oh, speaking of that, where’s your mother? I haven’t seen her yet”, he said. I was startled for a while but I managed to answer, “I live with my dad and grandmother; my mum pass away when I was seven”. He looks at me with sympathy and I hate it when people look at me like that; that is why I don’t like to talk about the past. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend you”, he said with a low voice. “It’s Ok. Don’t feel guilty”, I said and smile to comfort him.

After chatting for almost one hour, he excuses himself because he had to run an errand for his mother. He promises that he will goes to school together with me on Monday. Then, I go to my room and decide to rest for a while before unpacking my things. I was lying on my bed but I can’t seem to fall asleep. So, I decided to read the magazine that I bought yesterday. As I was flipping the pages, I saw one article entitled ‘Blood Tells Who You Are’ and decided to read it. ‘Emm, interesting…My blood type is AB-; so, what does it say about me?’ I thought to myself. ‘Usually cool and steady but can get upset easily’. “Wah, it is really true?” I ask to myself then continue to read it. 'Tend to be impatient and able to handle a wide scope of jobs/tasks’.I smiled as I read the article because the trait is quite similar to my personality then the smile on my face disappeared when I read the next line. “Sentimental about her past”, I read the line aloud. I closed the magazine and stare blankly to the ceiling as I thinking about the past.I hope no one will find out about my past here especially my schoolmate.

(C)AishahRamli2011.AllRightReserved. 

Attributes for Story

Character

• Her name is Nur Sabrina 
• An 18 years old girl; but still studying in form 5 
• Live with her grandmother and father 
• Her mother died when she was 7 years old 
• There something about her past that she don’t want other to know especially her new friend.

Setting

• Move to a small district called Kota Belud. 
• Just move to the town because his father was transferred. 
• They will live in a new neighborhood, Taman KDC. 
• Also will study in a new school named SMK. Mat Salleh. 
• It is a co-ed school (mix student; boys and girls) 

(C)AishahRamli2011.AllRightReserved.       

Existence

Life is full of colorful shadow

The alternate path of life journey

When rainy days disappeared

Colorful rainbow appeared

The alternate path of life journey

Once again a better life

Colorful rainbow appeared

Melt away the snowy path

Once again a better life

Arisen flame of the sun

Melt away the snowy path

Tic tock, the time passed rapidly

Arisen the flame of the sun

Individual lives are woven together

Tic tock, the time passed rapidly

And everything stays intact

Individual lives are woven together

When rainy days disappeared

And everything stays intact

In the life full of colorful shadow

(C)AishahRamli2011.AllRightReserved.

Here I am Again

Here I am again in this scene

Standing in the city bustling with life

Everything remain the same

And I am just another girl

Standing in the city bustling with life

The crowd is like a rapid turning clock

And I am just another girl

Longing for the colorful rainbow to appear

The crowd is like a rapid turning clock

My life full with woven stories

Longing for the colorful rainbow to appear

Waiting for the rainy days to stop

My life full with woven stories

Melts away our fragment memories

Waiting for the rainy days to stop

Still hoping for the flame of happiness to lit

Melts away our fragment memories

Everything remain the same

Still hoping for the flame of happiness to lit

Here I am again in this scene


(C)AishahRamli2011.AllRightReserved

Me and Myself

Before the light of freedom fade away,

I'll break this cocoon of me,

I'll wipe away this crystal like tears,

I'll throw away the melancholy drama of life,

Never again I live in this fiction full of regret,

As this fiction is like masquerade party,

For I am belong to me.

(C)AishahRamli2011.AllRightReserved.

In My Room

As if you’re still here in my room,

You fill my room with your scent,

Even though I open the window,

The scent of yours is still suffocating me.

You fill my room with your scent,

The lingering scent of you makes my heart yield,

I try to erase you but it’s hard,

It would be like swallowing poison.

The lingering scent of you makes my heart yield,

I can’t even throw you away,

I’m trapped inside this room,

Like small animal who cannot escape from a trap.

I can’t even throw you away,

Even though my heart is bleeding,

Our memories are the circle of my life now,

As if you still in my room.

(C)AishahRamli2011. AllRightReserved.

The story of us

I’m still in this story of you and me,

The setting is a small room without window,

I’m like an animal trapped in a cage,

I’ll be living in this circle of fiction.

The setting is a small room without window,

The happy story of us; different from reality,

I’ll be living in this circle of fiction,

I can’t leave your sweet presence.

The happy story of us: different from reality,

There is no such thing as an end for us,

I can’t leave your sweet presence,

Even though it is like a poison for me.

There is no such thing as an end for us,

I will bury the fact out of reality,

Even though it is like a poison for me,

I need to yield to my own fiction.

I will bury the fact out of reality,

I’m like an animal trapped in a cage,

Even though it is like a poison for me,

I’m still in this story of you and me.

(C)AishahRamli2011.AllRightReserved.